Blow Jobs: A Guide to Making it in Show Business, or Not!: A 'How Not To' by The Counter Culture Diva by Dolores DeLuce

Author:Dolores DeLuce [DeLuce, Dolores]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Double Delinquent Press
Published: 2014-08-21T20:00:00+00:00

Chapter 8

I Love Lucy, Who Doesn’t?

I grew up on Lucy. Lucy and Ethel get jobs at the candy factory and get fired when they can’t pack the candy fast enough as it comes down the conveyor belt. I can relate. My first job was at a conveyor belt in a collating factory.

I can relate to all of Lucy’s harebrained schemes as she struggled to be a part of the glamorous world of show business.

Lucy goes off to absorb local color in Italy to prepare for an audition with a famous Italian movie director. At a winery she ends up crushing grapes with her bare feet and gets into a brawl in the vat of grapes with a local Italian grape crusher who looks a lot like me. I’m Italian and I love Italy.

Lucy fakes amnesia to get away from having to explain her antics to Ricky: “Who am I? Where am I?”

I faked amnesia too while trying to get out of going to jail for unpaid parking tickets. Just like Lucy with Ricky, it didn’t work for me either.

But my favorite Lucy gig was when Lucy does a TV commercial for Vitameatavegamin, a nutritional elixir which contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, minerals, and 23% alcohol.

In take one all goes well for Lucy as she delivers her lines: “Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? So why don't you join the thousands of happy, happy, people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin.”

Then Lucy holds the extra large bottle up to camera and pours herself a giant spoonful. She gulps it down and with a big sour puss expression says, “It’s so tasty too.”

“Cut!” the director screams. “Do it again, but look like you mean it this time.”

Unable not to gag at the taste, Lucy is forced to test the sponsor’s product over and over again, until the alcohol kicks in and she starts to like it so much she licks the spoon but screws up her lines: “Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular?”

Well, if it weren’t for my poopularity in the San Francisco’s gay counterculture, I would have never met my Ethel, but I didn’t recognize her at first.

I barely noticed Roberto, a brown, skinny art student who roomed with Bob Reccio, a wig and prop builder for my musical, Broken Dishes, a comedy I co-wrote and produced. Roberto tagged along with Bob to our out-of-town premiere in 1976 at the Mendocino Art Center in northern California. While I was busy opening the show, Roberto hung out and bonded with my gorgeous little Viva, who was only six at the time. It wasn’t until 1977, when I decided to move my act to Hollywood that my friendship with Roberto Juarez began. He had just graduated from the Art Institute and decided to shift his fine art focus toward a master’s in film. His acceptance to UCLA coincided with my need for a roommate in my new Venice beach home, and thus began our Lucy and Ethel reenactments.

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